I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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