You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
