Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
