She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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