I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
