She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
