He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
