I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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