He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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