dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize