You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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