She is in my trunk
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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