I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
nutella sex= disaster
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
