i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
honey bunches of taint.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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