I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
operation have a gay friend backfired
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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