My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
