No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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