I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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