Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
