Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
