I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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