The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I think people are normalizing furries
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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