i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
