Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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