Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
