he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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