Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
