I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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