Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize