So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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