chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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