if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
