It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
