I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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