My room smells like vodka and shame
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize