mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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