As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
