The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
