So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I accidentally burped into my bong.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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