Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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