headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize