i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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