Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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