I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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