I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
