I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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