Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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