He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
