he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
