you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
