we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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