You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
