Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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