She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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