He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
