Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
