Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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