Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
