So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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