Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
