I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
