i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
